Today I had my 1 week post-op appointment. My doctor basically said things are looking good, healing well, and I’m to go back in 3 weeks for another check-in. Everything is great! So why am I experiencing a sudden wave of downtrodden feelings?
This entire surgical “adventure” I’ve been on since deciding to get the preventative mastectomy & reconstruction is over now. It’s been about 9 months if I include testing positive for the BRCA1 mutation, plus the momentary him-hawing over what to do, the decision to do it, and now, 1 week post-op it’s all done. In these 9 months I’ve needed to pump all the positive energy I could muster into my every day life to cope with it all, and to face things that were scary with a smile and faith that everything was going to turn out great. Which it did. I’ve kept the positive, high energy gas pedal floored all this time, so to speak, and it got me through to the other side. What now? Where do I put this energy?
Another way to describe this feeling is that I’ve been in Fight or Flight mode all this time — with Fight mode being predominant. Flight mode may have reared its ugly head a couple of times when I emotionally “faceplanted” and broke down crying like a baby. But the mechanism took up such a large piece of internal real estate. The emotional preparedness. The physical preparedness. The intellectual preparedness. All geared to Fight for one common goal — and now, goal achieved, the Fight is over and I must relax and move on.
I find it a bit odd and a bit funny that I’m feeling the loss of something that was such a big deal for a concentrated amount of time. It’s kind of like I’m standing around scratching my head, going “Huh? It’s over? Are you sure?” Time flies with all things, and this was no exception.
I started a new job this week. I wasn’t sure if it was wise to start it the week after surgery, but given the facts about this second surgery being a much “lighter” one than the first, I figured I’d be okay. Once again, I was right, and everything worked out perfect. The new job brings some stress, as most new jobs do, but I’ll adjust, like with anything else. Perhaps the new job will take come of the “Huh, what?” out of things and give me something new to focus on. It certainly does during the day. But when I get home, I’m kind of scratching my head again. I’m not complaining that the surgical process is over — not only over, but has gone more perfectly than I could have imagined — but with its finale comes the required shift of energy and focus.
I’m also feeling the urge to bring together my experience in a way that will help other women in the same boat as me. So I’m really thinking on that. Perhaps that will be the natural progression of my experience — it will bring me to a position of being able to give back and help others in need of it. Because after all, I created this blog to not only be a catharsis for myself, but to provide others a window into one BRCA1 mutation-positive woman’s life choices regarding the issue. I’ll continue to think on this, where I can take this and in what ways I can return God’s favor on me to others, for giving me the most amazingly positive experience and perfect results for this serious health issue.